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Post by Pru Freda on Apr 3, 2014 3:29:53 GMT -5
Can I pick your brains, please ?
My heroine is talking to a nightclub DJ (or should that be Deejay?), who is arrogant. She doesn't like him. I need a word or phrase to sum her feelings up and to replace the word "microphone" in the following passage, in which the heroine is the first speaker:
"Who's DJ at the club on the other nights?" "It's closed on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Gary's on on Thursday, but I'm the main man. I'm the one people come to see." He puffed his chest out and took a pull at his beer, a proud man. One worth buttering up, perhaps? "That's what I've heard. I'm only sorry we'll be getting second best at the reception." "Here." He reached into a back pocket and offered me a piece of card. "This pass will get you into the club if you want to see me in action." He flashed me a cocky smile. Quite frankly, right at that moment, I'd be happy to see him sitting on his own microphone. "Great, thanks."
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Post by cbedwards on Apr 3, 2014 8:43:26 GMT -5
I think microphone works.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2014 11:02:14 GMT -5
Can I pick your brains, please ? My heroine is talking to a nightclub DJ (or should that be Deejay?), who is arrogant. She doesn't like him. I need a word or phrase to sum her feelings up and to replace the word "microphone" in the following passage, in which the heroine is the first speaker: "Who's DJ at the club on the other nights?" "It's closed on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Gary's on on Thursday, but I'm the main man. I'm the one people come to see." He puffed his chest out and took a pull at his beer, a proud man. One worth buttering up, perhaps? "That's what I've heard. I'm only sorry we'll be getting second best at the reception." "Here." He reached into a back pocket and offered me a piece of card. "This pass will get you into the club if you want to see me in action." He flashed me a cocky smile. Quite frankly, right at that moment, I'd be happy to see him sitting on his own microphone. "Great, thanks." First, you don't have to repeat actions with a summary of actions, as in "a proud man." Why? Because puffing out his chest and his dialogue shows he's proud. So I recommend cutting that phrase. Not sure why you want to substitute for microphone, but you could use "mike" which is often used to shorten the word. Suggest you also cut "right at that moment" which is extra verbiage, which you seem to have problems with. Suggest: "Frankly, I'd be overjoyed to see him sit on his mike and twirl." And yeah, I think Deejay beats DJ.
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Post by Becca Mills on Apr 3, 2014 11:48:18 GMT -5
I think "microphone" works, too. If you want to change it, you could connect the narrator's thought to the DJ's most recent action. Something like:
"Here." He reached into a back pocket and offered me a piece of card. "This pass will get you into the club if you want to see me in action." He flashed me a cocky smile.
I thought about how his mouth would look with his microphone stuffed in it.
"Why, thank you," I said, putting an extra dose of saccharine in my voice. "How kind."
He ate it right up.
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Post by vrabinec on Apr 3, 2014 16:01:30 GMT -5
There are no synonyms for microphone. You could go with something like "metal phallus", but I think microphone works better.
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Post by cbedwards on Apr 3, 2014 17:08:25 GMT -5
Cylindrical amplification device.
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Post by Becca Mills on Apr 3, 2014 17:38:00 GMT -5
deadly wand of auditory destruction?
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Post by Daniel on Apr 3, 2014 20:45:54 GMT -5
deadly wand of auditory destruction? You had me at "wand."
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Post by Becca Mills on Apr 3, 2014 21:22:06 GMT -5
deadly wand of auditory destruction? You had me at "wand."
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Post by Pru Freda on Apr 5, 2014 2:55:45 GMT -5
Thanks, everyone. Here's the passage duly emended:
"Who's DJ at the club on the other nights?" "It's closed on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. Gary's on on Thursday, but I'm the main man. I'm the one people come to see." He puffed his chest out and took a pull at his beer. Time to use that pride to my advantage and apply flattery. "That's what I've heard. I'm only sorry we'll be getting second best at the reception." "Here." He reached into a back pocket and offered me a piece of card. "This pass will get you into the club if you want to see me in action." He flashed me a cocky smile. Quite frankly, right at that moment, I'd be happy to see him sit on his own microphone and swivel. "Why, thank you." I put an extra dose of saccharine in my voice. "How kind."
Any better?
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Post by Suzy on Apr 5, 2014 4:57:24 GMT -5
Much. But do you need 'on on'? Why not say he'll be working or that he'll be doing the gig or something? two 'on' in a row makes it a bit clunky.
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Post by Pru Freda on Apr 5, 2014 6:40:22 GMT -5
Thanks, Suzy. Agreed. I think "Gary's there on Thursday", works better.
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Post by Becca Mills on Apr 5, 2014 11:02:56 GMT -5
Thanks, everyone. Here's the passage duly emended: I'd be happy to see him sit on his own microphone and swivel. LOL!!!! I love this line. Very ... imagistic.
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